Type a second draft of your essay.
Things to improve in your second draft:
1. 1st sentence needs to be a hook. Does it make the reader feel compelled to continue reading?
2. 1st or 2nd sentence needs to start dealing with an idea. Was it a meaningful experience? Show the reader that it was meaningful.
3. Be sure that your essay focuses on a very specific time in your life. It should resemble a movie in at least one spot.
4. Details. Use very specific details (quote what someone said or use imagery)
5. Don't just write the plot of the story. Be sure that you focus on meaningful details.
6. Sentence variety.
You should have at least three long sentences (10-20 words) and two short sentences (3-4 words).
7. No comma-splices, their really bad, its hard to spell "they're," too ;)
8. Conclusion needs to sum up the significant part of your story thoroughly and effectively. Usually a good conclusion opens up the topic to the world in general, not just you and your experience.
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